Our Loss

Ok, so it has been FOREVER since I last posted. So sorry!! Since my last post, a whole lot has happened. I know a lot of people have watched Cam and I face one of the hardest things we've had to face-- our miscarriage. I'd really like to share with you all how God brought us to where we were when that happened. It is only by His grace that we have been able to handle it the way that we have. It is truly amazing what happens when you listen to God's call!

June '09-- I began a Beth Moore Bible study. Living Beyond Yourself (a study of the fruit of the Spirit). Previous to this study, Cam and I both were in a difficult place in our relationships with God. We were kind of stuck in our desert, I guess you could say. We knew we wanted more but just couldn't figure out how (or weren't willing to work very hard) to get there.
Pretty much after that first night at the study, I was hooked on the Word of God again! I was falling in love with HIM again and couldn't put His Book down. That in itself was an absolutely incredible feeling. To be drawing so close to Him again... to actually feel and sense His presence... to be thinking about Him in every aspect and decision of my life.

My getting so excited about God again helped Cameron get back into studying. We began praying together again, having good conversations about what we were learning in our personal studies, etc. We would get up early and do our individual studying/reading together in the morning. It was just an incredible experience and really drew us closer together.

Throughout June and July, God kept bringing one word to our hearts and minds: contentment. We began learning (and are continuing to learn) about being content with what we have. The neatest thing started happening as we began getting our focus back where it needed to be: we didn't care! We didn't care about going out to eat. We didn't care about buying things. We didn't care about not having the newest stuff. What a huge relief! AND an incredible amount of joy came with it.

It was somewhere around the beginning of August when I was in the middle of Bible study, and it hit me... Something's coming. Not necessarily that pessimistic "everything is good, it has to end sometime" kind of feeling, but just the reality that God had to preparing us for something... and it most likely would not be something easy.

We hit a low financial point the week before my birthday. It was so bad, we barely had $15 to our name. I had to ask if we could afford to put $5 of gas in the car so I could get Brittany from work and realized we probably wouldn't be able to make it to church on Sunday. Blessing: Brittany filled up the gas tank for us. (HUGE THANK YOU BRITT!) As this is all happening, I'm thinking, "Ok God. Was this what you were preparing us for? Financial struggle?"

The weekend of my birthday, I was attending a Beth Moore simulcast. (Amazing experience!) Leading up to this, I was pretty sure I was pregnant but had not taken a test yet or told Cameron. Needless to say, with our financial situation at the time, I was so nervous about telling Cameron, afraid of his reaction because it was a surprise, and I didn't know how we would pay for it. The focus of the weekend (and my life verse) was "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." After Friday evening of the simulcast, I knew I was pregnant... even though I didn't know... you know what I mean. :) Saturday morning, I knew I needed to tell Cameron because it was weighing so heavy on my heart. His response was the exact opposite of what I anticipated. He was thrilled! Saturday afternoon, the day before my birthday, the test confirmed that we were pregnant. Again I though, "Ok God... THIS was it. You knew we would need to learn to be content being pregnant and struggling financially. We would really have to trust You."

Then, Thursday, September 17th, after going to the doctor because of some bleeding, I got a call that told me my hormone levels had dropped, and the pregnancy would most likely end in miscarriage. Cameron was gone until Sunday. I immediately called him, then my parents, then Cam's mom, then my brother. My parents left pretty much as soon as I got off the phone with them to come stay with me while Cam was gone. As this was all happening, Satan was really trying to make me think we were stupid for telling everyone so early. Cameron and I have always said, if something like this ever happened to us, we want people to know so we don't feel alone. I'm convinced that one of Satan's most successful tactics is making us feel isolated and alone. Cameron was able to come home Friday night instead of Sunday (THANK YOU SEAN RIDGE) so we were able to face this head on together. I have to say, I have NEVER felt as loved by the Body as I did during this week of not knowing what would happen. We prepared for the worst, but I was determined to hold on to some hope until I knew it was time to let go because I serve a God who DOES WORK MIRACLES.

Tuesday, September 22nd, friends gathered to pray for our family. I'm tearing up now thinking about what that meant to us.

Wednesday, September 23rd, the ultrasound showed we had lost the baby. No matter how much I had tried to prepare myself for that moment, I had still truly hoped and been praying constantly for a miracle. I didn't get my miracle that day, but I can't even begin to tell you what God has done in our lives as a result of facing this struggle.

Obviously, this has been an extremely difficult thing for us, but God is still so good! For one thing, I had no severe physical pain through the process. Second thing, the doctor could hardly believe I had even been pregnant because everything looked so perfect in the ultrasound, which means we can start trying right away.

That was the longest week of my life. I actually felt some relief in just knowing so we could move on.

And here we are now... almost a month later. We are still healing definitely. But it has never been more clear in my life how good and faithful my God is whether He performed a miracle for me or not. Even without that miracle, I have a story to tell of how good He is.

And now I see what He was prepraring us for. Yes, He was asking us to trust Him with our finances. Yes, He was asking us to trust Him with that pregnancy. But He knew more. He knew the difficulty that was coming our way, and you know what? I know that this was not His plan... I know He never wants any life to die. But He does work good in all things.

One last thing (I promise). The week after I found out I was pregnant, I heard God tell me (but thought it was me being negative), "You're going to lose this one." Scary. BUT how incredible to be so connected with my Abba and my Lord that I could hear His voice preparing me for what was to come.

Easter Sunday

just another

lazy saturday.

update!

so much has happened since i last posted, it's hard to know where to begin.

christmas was wonderful. we were able to spend about a week and a half in indiana with family. jenna did great with the traveling and sleeping in different places. she usually does, but i tend to worry about it every time nonetheless.

here are a few pictures from our stay with mammy (cameron's mom):


i came out one morning and found her dressed like this


she loved shelby! (and every other dog she met during our visit)


she also loved her ball pit! thank you mammy!




cheesin' for the camera.

and here are some from grandma and grandpa's (my parents):


really enjoying her meal apparently.


she found a hole in the door to play with. it was her favorite toy that week.


rocking horse from great grandma and great grandpa.




enjoying a book with grandpa.

now that we've been back from our visit for a couple of weeks, we're just trying to get back into our normal routine (whatever that is.) :) jenna has been jabbering up a storm and saying new words every day. she's getting really good at her sign language as well. she now says "please," "thank you," and "more" fairly consistently (in sign language). sometimes she confuses her "thank you" with blowing kisses. it's really cute. :)

i think i'll leave it at that for tonight. i hope everyone is having a blessed weekend!