My kitchen

smells like chocolate cake! Yum! Today is my daddy's birthday, so I'm baking a cake to take up to him tomorrow. I love to bake but seem to be having trouble finding time to do so... hmmm... couldn't have anything to do with a 3-year-old running around the house and a 1-month-old needing to eat every 3 hours. ;)

My weekend with Brittany was wonderful! It was very relaxing even with Josiah. It did take a couple days to get back into the swing of things, though. I don't think I realized how tired I was until I finally got home and just crashed.

Life as a family of 4 has been such a joy. Of course, we have our difficult days, but overall, this transition has been much smoother than I ever anticipated. I began praying at the beginning of my pregnancy for Jenna's heart to be prepared and for my recovery to go smoothly and quickly. God most definitely answered those prayers! After I had Jenna, I feel that I came close to postpartum depression... maybe even more so than I originally thought. The only thing that got me through it was the fact that we were living with my parents at the time and there was almost always someone at the house with me. Having struggled through that, I was terrified of going through the rollercoaster of emotions that comes postpartum. I have to say, I have only faced a few very difficult days in the last 5 1/2 weeks that we have had little Josiah. Praise God! I am convinced that He is the reason this transition has gone as smoothly as it has.

I'm relearning the power of prayer. I know I mentioned that in my last post. I am just constantly amazed at God's answers to our requests. Parenting has given me glimpses of God that I never knew before-- the love that He has for his children, the heartbreak He feels when He must discipline them, and the joy He feels when He blesses them with gifts that may not even be needs.

Thank you, God, for being a God who hears our requests and answers!

Thoughts from today

I'm sitting here in Knoxville, TN at my brother's house. Brittany, Josiah, and I will be heading out to Charleston, SC tomorrow to spend the weekend relaxing. Yay! I was able to visit for a short time with the Motts today. That was SUCH a blessing. They have been going through a lot lately, and I've felt such a burden for them. It was wonderful just to be able to listen and give hugs. (I didn't mind showing off my baby boy either.) :D

I've never been so great at journaling/blogging regularly, but lately I feel like God has really been nudging me to start keeping track of the ways He answers my prayers-- no matter how small or large. In the last few days, I have seen God answer even some of my smallest requests-- things as simple as, "Lord please allow me to feel rested when I wake up in the morning." There have been many others, and quite honestly I can't remember them-- which is why I think God is asking me to remember. And for me that means I need to write it down because I feel like I've completely lost my mind and just don't remember things anymore. :)

I've been reminded a lot lately of my miscarriage-- partially because it happened just over a year ago, but mostly when I look into the eyes of my little Josiah. I hated... HATED... going through that time. God definitely got us through it, and I am so thankful that I had Cameron with me. As much as I wish we never would have had to face that trial, I look at my beautiful baby boy and can't imagine life without him. I am so amazed at how God can take something so difficult and painful and find a way to make it precious and beautiful.

I am completely overwhelmed right now with love for my God and my family...

I have so many emotions that I can't find the words for-- maybe that's why I seem to struggle with keeping up with writing about them. I won't give up quite yet. :)

For now, my bed (well, Brent and Brittany's guest bed) is calling my name. I have a 3:30 appointment with a handsome little guy, and I'd like to get some rest before our drive to SC tomorrow.

What do you know...

Life is STILL changing. :)

Well, as most of you know, Josiah Reese Rodman entered the world on September 4th, 2010-- 2 days after his due date. Those of you who follow me on Facebook know how CRAZY I was going wanting to meet him (as all pregnant women do there at the end.) I figured I'd get my story in writing before I forgot too many of the details that made his arrival so special to me.

On Friday, September 3rd, I woke up feeling incredible, which does NOT happen in the 9th month of pregnancy, let alone after the due date has passed. I actually felt rested and energetic ALL day long. At this point, I had just assumed he was not going to arrive on his own and that I would have to be induced the following week, so as much as I hoped he'd be making his entrance, I had given up on it. I had been staying with my parents for a while since I would be delivering in Seymour rather than Hanover (an hour away), and every night I would go to bed and say to my mom, "I hope I'll be waking you up in the middle of the night." Well, this was the night it finally happened.

I went to bed having had some contractions but still assuming they would not be regular at all. Around 2am I woke up with some pretty intense contractions. I kept trying to fall back asleep but couldn't. Of course, I assumed it wasn't time and kept trying to go back to sleep. I went to wake my mom up and asked her to sit up with me for awhile to time the contractions before deciding whether or not to head to the hospital. From about 2:30- 3 or so, they were 7 minutes apart then went to 5 minutes apart after that point. I watched Man vs. Wild while my mom timed so I could keep myself distracted. (Every time I watch Man vs. Wild now, I think of that night). Around 3:45, I decided to call Cam at home to let him know we'd probably be heading to the hospital soon so he should go ahead and be on his way. Well go figure, he didn't answer the phone. Of course at that point I'm thinking, "Great. I'm going to have this baby and my husband is going to miss it." I tried calling twice with no answer. Finally I called his mom and told her to keep calling because I just got angrier every time I tried. Don't worry, he woke up and made it in plenty of time. :)

A little after 4, my mom and I headed to the hospital. We arrived and contractions were still 4-5 minutes apart. Cameron got there in record time-- I won't say how fast he drove to get there, but he was thrilled to have an excuse to drive fast. :) Contractions started getting extremely intense, and I opted for the epidural-- probably around 7:30 or so... I kind of lost track of time (wonder why :D ) The epidural kicked in, and as Cameron would tell everyone, the entire mood of the room changed. haha I was no longer yelling at everyone to stop talking in the middle of my contractions, and all of us got some much needed rest. The epidural kind of stopped everything where it was-- contractions stayed around 5 minutes apart for a while longer.

The nurse came in to check me and told me I was at 6cm-- which kind of bummed me out because I really thought more had been happening. Well 5-10 minutes later, my doctor came in to check me and told me I was at 9cm! I don't know if the nurse miscalculated or what, but WHOA! I had gotten myself ready for a long morning at that point, and before I knew it, it was time to push. We sent the moms out so it was just me and Cam in the room with the doctors. I pushed through 2 contractions-- 6 minutes-- and before I knew it, at 11:47am, Josiah Reese was in my arms.

This delivery was so different. With Jenna, everything felt so chaotic. I don't remember seeing them weigh her, clean her up, etc. With Josiah, I was so calm. I remember everything that was going on in the room after he was born. I saw them do everything with him. I was having conversations with everyone. It was just so different.

This part, if you have made it this far, I feel a little silly about but feel like God really spoke to me. I got the epidural but was still able to feel pressure, just no pain. When I first got it, I remember thinking, "This isn't how God intended this to be..." then I realized, it was never "intended" to be a painful experience. What I experienced this time that I wasn't able to with Jenna (the epidural with her was so strong, I couldn't feel ANYTHING) was feeling everything except the pain. I could feel his head come out, and I could feel his little body come out-- but I felt no pain. I experienced complete joy in that moment when I knew my child was about to be put in my arms and no pain! I don't know. It's hard to put into words exactly what I felt as it was all happening, but I had allowed myself to feel guilty for getting the epidural, and I feel like God was reassuring me that I didn't need to put that guilt on myself.

Anyway, the days since then have been incredible. I have been so much more laid back this time around-- maybe I'm more confident having done it once before. I am really enjoying this newborn stage. I'm getting out a lot-- going on lots of walks and outings together, and it has been such a blessing!

Sorry this is so long-- I really wanted to get it out before I started to forget the details of that wonderful night/day. :)

So anyway, there's my story. I am so thankful to have been blessed with such good pregnancies and 2 easy labor and deliveries with no complications. God is so good!

Life is Changing!

Wow, I guess maybe it's time for an update, huh? A lot has been happening since I last posted... most likely the reason for lack of updates. Sorry to those of you who might be checking in!

Let's see... where to begin. I guess the biggest news, which most are aware of already, is that I am now 22 weeks pregnant with little Josiah Reese! He is due September 2nd. I had a pretty rough time up until about week 17, then the sickness and exhaustion began fading (finally!) Well, I'm still tired most of the time, but I only feel nauseous occasionally, usually if I had trouble sleeping the night before or something like that. Feeling lots of kicks and wiggles and loving EVERY moment of it. We definitely feel so blessed, and I think Jenna is going to be a wonderful big sister! She knows her baby brother's name, and, on occasion, will play "baby doctor" with people and listen to heartbeats. :D






Speaking of Jenna (how can I not!) She is doing FANTASTIC with potty training. We still have accidents every once in a while, but for the most part she is out of diapers except at night and some naptimes. I am so proud of how well she does! She is absolutely hilarious most of the time and full of spunk... talking ALL the time, climbing onto and jumping off of ANYTHING possible. She is such a joy to be around!

Today, Cameron is officially DONE with grad school. No more clients. No more papers. No more supervision. No more classes. D-O-N-E! I couldn't be more proud of how well he has done having a family and working (sometimes a full-time work load at Lowe's). I told him today I feel like I'm graduating with him, which I guess in a lot of ways I am. This was most definitely a team effort, and neither of us could have done it without the other. I am so thankful to have gone through such a wonderful growing and learning experience with him.

Right now, we are definitely learning (again!) about faith. We move in less than a month and have absolutely NO idea where we will be going. Last night, Cam and I were talking about it. We've done this kind of transitioning so many times that we've really stopped worrying when it happens. God has never ever let us down before. He has always provided the perfect opportunity at the perfect time, and typically, it was not anything that we were expecting... it was far better. I'm definitely anxious, but more like a child waiting for Christmas morning to open a gift. He sees it sitting under the tree for days, maybe weeks, but never knows what is in it until that perfect moment when the time comes to open it up. I feel like that. Like there is some incredible gift God is waiting to reveal... but we have to just be patient and wait for His perfect timing. I wonder if God is as giddy with anticipation as I am when I've found the perfect gift for someone? Kind of a neat thought... the gift isn't just for us to experience. I have no doubt God finds immense joy in giving that gift.

Those are just some of the thoughts/emotions we've been facing lately. A lot of life changes... a lot of tears... a lot of stressful moments... but a lot of growth. And through it all, God has been completely faithful and GOOD.

Our Loss

Ok, so it has been FOREVER since I last posted. So sorry!! Since my last post, a whole lot has happened. I know a lot of people have watched Cam and I face one of the hardest things we've had to face-- our miscarriage. I'd really like to share with you all how God brought us to where we were when that happened. It is only by His grace that we have been able to handle it the way that we have. It is truly amazing what happens when you listen to God's call!

June '09-- I began a Beth Moore Bible study. Living Beyond Yourself (a study of the fruit of the Spirit). Previous to this study, Cam and I both were in a difficult place in our relationships with God. We were kind of stuck in our desert, I guess you could say. We knew we wanted more but just couldn't figure out how (or weren't willing to work very hard) to get there.
Pretty much after that first night at the study, I was hooked on the Word of God again! I was falling in love with HIM again and couldn't put His Book down. That in itself was an absolutely incredible feeling. To be drawing so close to Him again... to actually feel and sense His presence... to be thinking about Him in every aspect and decision of my life.

My getting so excited about God again helped Cameron get back into studying. We began praying together again, having good conversations about what we were learning in our personal studies, etc. We would get up early and do our individual studying/reading together in the morning. It was just an incredible experience and really drew us closer together.

Throughout June and July, God kept bringing one word to our hearts and minds: contentment. We began learning (and are continuing to learn) about being content with what we have. The neatest thing started happening as we began getting our focus back where it needed to be: we didn't care! We didn't care about going out to eat. We didn't care about buying things. We didn't care about not having the newest stuff. What a huge relief! AND an incredible amount of joy came with it.

It was somewhere around the beginning of August when I was in the middle of Bible study, and it hit me... Something's coming. Not necessarily that pessimistic "everything is good, it has to end sometime" kind of feeling, but just the reality that God had to preparing us for something... and it most likely would not be something easy.

We hit a low financial point the week before my birthday. It was so bad, we barely had $15 to our name. I had to ask if we could afford to put $5 of gas in the car so I could get Brittany from work and realized we probably wouldn't be able to make it to church on Sunday. Blessing: Brittany filled up the gas tank for us. (HUGE THANK YOU BRITT!) As this is all happening, I'm thinking, "Ok God. Was this what you were preparing us for? Financial struggle?"

The weekend of my birthday, I was attending a Beth Moore simulcast. (Amazing experience!) Leading up to this, I was pretty sure I was pregnant but had not taken a test yet or told Cameron. Needless to say, with our financial situation at the time, I was so nervous about telling Cameron, afraid of his reaction because it was a surprise, and I didn't know how we would pay for it. The focus of the weekend (and my life verse) was "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." After Friday evening of the simulcast, I knew I was pregnant... even though I didn't know... you know what I mean. :) Saturday morning, I knew I needed to tell Cameron because it was weighing so heavy on my heart. His response was the exact opposite of what I anticipated. He was thrilled! Saturday afternoon, the day before my birthday, the test confirmed that we were pregnant. Again I though, "Ok God... THIS was it. You knew we would need to learn to be content being pregnant and struggling financially. We would really have to trust You."

Then, Thursday, September 17th, after going to the doctor because of some bleeding, I got a call that told me my hormone levels had dropped, and the pregnancy would most likely end in miscarriage. Cameron was gone until Sunday. I immediately called him, then my parents, then Cam's mom, then my brother. My parents left pretty much as soon as I got off the phone with them to come stay with me while Cam was gone. As this was all happening, Satan was really trying to make me think we were stupid for telling everyone so early. Cameron and I have always said, if something like this ever happened to us, we want people to know so we don't feel alone. I'm convinced that one of Satan's most successful tactics is making us feel isolated and alone. Cameron was able to come home Friday night instead of Sunday (THANK YOU SEAN RIDGE) so we were able to face this head on together. I have to say, I have NEVER felt as loved by the Body as I did during this week of not knowing what would happen. We prepared for the worst, but I was determined to hold on to some hope until I knew it was time to let go because I serve a God who DOES WORK MIRACLES.

Tuesday, September 22nd, friends gathered to pray for our family. I'm tearing up now thinking about what that meant to us.

Wednesday, September 23rd, the ultrasound showed we had lost the baby. No matter how much I had tried to prepare myself for that moment, I had still truly hoped and been praying constantly for a miracle. I didn't get my miracle that day, but I can't even begin to tell you what God has done in our lives as a result of facing this struggle.

Obviously, this has been an extremely difficult thing for us, but God is still so good! For one thing, I had no severe physical pain through the process. Second thing, the doctor could hardly believe I had even been pregnant because everything looked so perfect in the ultrasound, which means we can start trying right away.

That was the longest week of my life. I actually felt some relief in just knowing so we could move on.

And here we are now... almost a month later. We are still healing definitely. But it has never been more clear in my life how good and faithful my God is whether He performed a miracle for me or not. Even without that miracle, I have a story to tell of how good He is.

And now I see what He was prepraring us for. Yes, He was asking us to trust Him with our finances. Yes, He was asking us to trust Him with that pregnancy. But He knew more. He knew the difficulty that was coming our way, and you know what? I know that this was not His plan... I know He never wants any life to die. But He does work good in all things.

One last thing (I promise). The week after I found out I was pregnant, I heard God tell me (but thought it was me being negative), "You're going to lose this one." Scary. BUT how incredible to be so connected with my Abba and my Lord that I could hear His voice preparing me for what was to come.

Easter Sunday

just another

lazy saturday.