grrr...

i would absolutely love to post something positive and encouraging, but to be quite honest, it's been a frustrating and discouraging few days. i'm struggling with my parenting. i'm amazed at how quickly my temper flares up with my daughter. i love her so much, but i feel like the last week or so has been nothing but frustration for both of us. i know this is normal. in a way, it helps to know that... and in a way, it does no good at all because i know that the way i treat my daughter in my anger is unacceptable and needs to be changed. if anyone could offer any discipline advice/techniques for a feisty 3-year-old, i could really use some creative ideas.

anyway... sorry for the discouraging note today. well, no i'm not. this is me. you get the good and the bad. :)

today i'm thankful for grace... and desire to show it as much as i receive it. praise God for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc. chances...

Priorities

I think I speak for most mommies when I say this... we get so caught up sometimes in the "stuff" that needs to get done that we can forget when to stop and really savor the precious moments we have with our little ones. I'm trying to get better about that... it can be so easy to just keep on getting work done when Jenna comes to me and says, "Can I sit on you?" How often have I answered, "Not right now, honey" when I need to stop what I'm doing and sit down and cuddle with her.

A friend of mine posted this on her blog, and I really wanted to share it because it hit home for me. I think I need to frame it so I can be reminded of what really matters every day.

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,

Hang out the washing, make up the bed,

Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullaby, rockabye, lullaby loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due

Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peek-a-boo

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew

And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo

But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo

Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?

Lullaby, rockaby lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow

But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

-- Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

God met my need

once again. I got to chat with my best friend Abby last night for quite a while. Not the same as being with her, but just what I needed for now. She's in Florida working with NMSI, so visits are quite rare. Hopefully she'll be able to take a little vacation to Indiana around Christmas so we'll be able to get together.

I think you know a best friend when you can spend years apart, and when you get together, it's like there was never any distance. That's Abby for me. We were college roommates. I am convinced God brought us together, but we had a lot of difficult times. If you would have asked me then if I considered Abby my best friend, I probably would have said no just because of all of the stuff we went through. But now, without a doubt, she is the one I miss more than anyone... the one who gets me no matter what I'm facing... the one I know is praying for me without even needing to ask for it. I consider her an aunt to my children even though they barely know her (Josiah hasn't met her yet) and such a blessing in my life even from hundreds of miles away.

I look forward to our next visit... for her to see my spirited Jenna and my sweet Josiah and to see what we'll end up baking this time!

So Abby, this post is for you. I love you my sweet friend!

Have you ever...

felt so incredibly loved, blessed beyond belief, and yet still so alone? Yeah I know... it doesn't make sense. I really think I'm feeling this way because we don't have any friends here. I recognize the amazing friends and family I have but am so in need of good quality time with friends now. God has truly helped me through this time by giving me peace, but some days are still rough. Come to think of it, those are the days that I'm acting and thinking a little more selfishly... hmm...

I know it isn't a bad thing to want or need time with friends, but the days that I'm really putting my focus and energy into my family and God, I don't feel that so much. Something to think about maybe...

I really didn't have any coherent thoughts to share, but I felt like I needed to get some of those thoughts/feelings out somehow. So here ya go. :)

Would appreciate prayers-- for peace, for the right job for Cameron, wisdom and discernment on our part, and a change of heart if God's plans are not our current desires.

My kitchen

smells like chocolate cake! Yum! Today is my daddy's birthday, so I'm baking a cake to take up to him tomorrow. I love to bake but seem to be having trouble finding time to do so... hmmm... couldn't have anything to do with a 3-year-old running around the house and a 1-month-old needing to eat every 3 hours. ;)

My weekend with Brittany was wonderful! It was very relaxing even with Josiah. It did take a couple days to get back into the swing of things, though. I don't think I realized how tired I was until I finally got home and just crashed.

Life as a family of 4 has been such a joy. Of course, we have our difficult days, but overall, this transition has been much smoother than I ever anticipated. I began praying at the beginning of my pregnancy for Jenna's heart to be prepared and for my recovery to go smoothly and quickly. God most definitely answered those prayers! After I had Jenna, I feel that I came close to postpartum depression... maybe even more so than I originally thought. The only thing that got me through it was the fact that we were living with my parents at the time and there was almost always someone at the house with me. Having struggled through that, I was terrified of going through the rollercoaster of emotions that comes postpartum. I have to say, I have only faced a few very difficult days in the last 5 1/2 weeks that we have had little Josiah. Praise God! I am convinced that He is the reason this transition has gone as smoothly as it has.

I'm relearning the power of prayer. I know I mentioned that in my last post. I am just constantly amazed at God's answers to our requests. Parenting has given me glimpses of God that I never knew before-- the love that He has for his children, the heartbreak He feels when He must discipline them, and the joy He feels when He blesses them with gifts that may not even be needs.

Thank you, God, for being a God who hears our requests and answers!

Thoughts from today

I'm sitting here in Knoxville, TN at my brother's house. Brittany, Josiah, and I will be heading out to Charleston, SC tomorrow to spend the weekend relaxing. Yay! I was able to visit for a short time with the Motts today. That was SUCH a blessing. They have been going through a lot lately, and I've felt such a burden for them. It was wonderful just to be able to listen and give hugs. (I didn't mind showing off my baby boy either.) :D

I've never been so great at journaling/blogging regularly, but lately I feel like God has really been nudging me to start keeping track of the ways He answers my prayers-- no matter how small or large. In the last few days, I have seen God answer even some of my smallest requests-- things as simple as, "Lord please allow me to feel rested when I wake up in the morning." There have been many others, and quite honestly I can't remember them-- which is why I think God is asking me to remember. And for me that means I need to write it down because I feel like I've completely lost my mind and just don't remember things anymore. :)

I've been reminded a lot lately of my miscarriage-- partially because it happened just over a year ago, but mostly when I look into the eyes of my little Josiah. I hated... HATED... going through that time. God definitely got us through it, and I am so thankful that I had Cameron with me. As much as I wish we never would have had to face that trial, I look at my beautiful baby boy and can't imagine life without him. I am so amazed at how God can take something so difficult and painful and find a way to make it precious and beautiful.

I am completely overwhelmed right now with love for my God and my family...

I have so many emotions that I can't find the words for-- maybe that's why I seem to struggle with keeping up with writing about them. I won't give up quite yet. :)

For now, my bed (well, Brent and Brittany's guest bed) is calling my name. I have a 3:30 appointment with a handsome little guy, and I'd like to get some rest before our drive to SC tomorrow.

What do you know...

Life is STILL changing. :)

Well, as most of you know, Josiah Reese Rodman entered the world on September 4th, 2010-- 2 days after his due date. Those of you who follow me on Facebook know how CRAZY I was going wanting to meet him (as all pregnant women do there at the end.) I figured I'd get my story in writing before I forgot too many of the details that made his arrival so special to me.

On Friday, September 3rd, I woke up feeling incredible, which does NOT happen in the 9th month of pregnancy, let alone after the due date has passed. I actually felt rested and energetic ALL day long. At this point, I had just assumed he was not going to arrive on his own and that I would have to be induced the following week, so as much as I hoped he'd be making his entrance, I had given up on it. I had been staying with my parents for a while since I would be delivering in Seymour rather than Hanover (an hour away), and every night I would go to bed and say to my mom, "I hope I'll be waking you up in the middle of the night." Well, this was the night it finally happened.

I went to bed having had some contractions but still assuming they would not be regular at all. Around 2am I woke up with some pretty intense contractions. I kept trying to fall back asleep but couldn't. Of course, I assumed it wasn't time and kept trying to go back to sleep. I went to wake my mom up and asked her to sit up with me for awhile to time the contractions before deciding whether or not to head to the hospital. From about 2:30- 3 or so, they were 7 minutes apart then went to 5 minutes apart after that point. I watched Man vs. Wild while my mom timed so I could keep myself distracted. (Every time I watch Man vs. Wild now, I think of that night). Around 3:45, I decided to call Cam at home to let him know we'd probably be heading to the hospital soon so he should go ahead and be on his way. Well go figure, he didn't answer the phone. Of course at that point I'm thinking, "Great. I'm going to have this baby and my husband is going to miss it." I tried calling twice with no answer. Finally I called his mom and told her to keep calling because I just got angrier every time I tried. Don't worry, he woke up and made it in plenty of time. :)

A little after 4, my mom and I headed to the hospital. We arrived and contractions were still 4-5 minutes apart. Cameron got there in record time-- I won't say how fast he drove to get there, but he was thrilled to have an excuse to drive fast. :) Contractions started getting extremely intense, and I opted for the epidural-- probably around 7:30 or so... I kind of lost track of time (wonder why :D ) The epidural kicked in, and as Cameron would tell everyone, the entire mood of the room changed. haha I was no longer yelling at everyone to stop talking in the middle of my contractions, and all of us got some much needed rest. The epidural kind of stopped everything where it was-- contractions stayed around 5 minutes apart for a while longer.

The nurse came in to check me and told me I was at 6cm-- which kind of bummed me out because I really thought more had been happening. Well 5-10 minutes later, my doctor came in to check me and told me I was at 9cm! I don't know if the nurse miscalculated or what, but WHOA! I had gotten myself ready for a long morning at that point, and before I knew it, it was time to push. We sent the moms out so it was just me and Cam in the room with the doctors. I pushed through 2 contractions-- 6 minutes-- and before I knew it, at 11:47am, Josiah Reese was in my arms.

This delivery was so different. With Jenna, everything felt so chaotic. I don't remember seeing them weigh her, clean her up, etc. With Josiah, I was so calm. I remember everything that was going on in the room after he was born. I saw them do everything with him. I was having conversations with everyone. It was just so different.

This part, if you have made it this far, I feel a little silly about but feel like God really spoke to me. I got the epidural but was still able to feel pressure, just no pain. When I first got it, I remember thinking, "This isn't how God intended this to be..." then I realized, it was never "intended" to be a painful experience. What I experienced this time that I wasn't able to with Jenna (the epidural with her was so strong, I couldn't feel ANYTHING) was feeling everything except the pain. I could feel his head come out, and I could feel his little body come out-- but I felt no pain. I experienced complete joy in that moment when I knew my child was about to be put in my arms and no pain! I don't know. It's hard to put into words exactly what I felt as it was all happening, but I had allowed myself to feel guilty for getting the epidural, and I feel like God was reassuring me that I didn't need to put that guilt on myself.

Anyway, the days since then have been incredible. I have been so much more laid back this time around-- maybe I'm more confident having done it once before. I am really enjoying this newborn stage. I'm getting out a lot-- going on lots of walks and outings together, and it has been such a blessing!

Sorry this is so long-- I really wanted to get it out before I started to forget the details of that wonderful night/day. :)

So anyway, there's my story. I am so thankful to have been blessed with such good pregnancies and 2 easy labor and deliveries with no complications. God is so good!