I have been mulling over this post for a few days now... mainly because I have been trying to determine how vulnerable I am willing to be. I feel like if I can put things in writing, it will help me work through emotions, and sometimes input from the outside world can comfort, encourage, put things in perspective, or help me see things in a different light.
So here goes...
I am a mommy. Obviously. Lately, I have been struggling with this. Not the fact that I am a mommy, but how to be a mommy. Joel will be six months old tomorrow. The time has flown in some ways, but in others, it has crept by oh so slowly. This transition (from two kiddos to three) has been extremely difficult for me. Most days I feel completely overwhelmed. My five-year-old has the attitude of a fifteen-year-old, my two-year-old is pushing every boundary set for him (as is typical for a two-year-old), and my infant needs me constantly (again, typical, I know.) It's all normal kid behavior... but man... some days, I just don't know how to do it. I struggled with anxiety quite a bit after Joel was born, much of it associated with breastfeeding even though there were really no issues as far as milk supply or latching on, etc. The anxiety led me to decide to wean him much earlier than I wanted to. Which leads to my next topic...
Guilt...
You know what I'm talking about. Guilt from yelling at my kids out of frustration. Guilt from turning the TV on all day just because that's the only way it seemed I could make it through. Guilt from wanting to leave the house ALONE for a change. Guilt that I didn't choose to look past my anxiety and keep nursing. The list goes on.
I have been reading Priscilla Shirer's Resolution for Women. It has been fantastic so far, and I highly recommend it to every woman out there! One section spoke about recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses and encouraging others in their strengths. Well, I've got the weaknesses down and probably amplified, but I truly could not figure out what my strengths are. I am not posing this thought as a way to fish for compliments... that was part of my fear in sharing this, but I wonder how many of us live life thinking we are so messed up that no one could possibly see the good we offer... I know that is how I am living right now. I don't want to be living that way.
Ok... after all of that, let me just say... I adore my children. I really do. Jenna is seriously the funniest girl I know. She is so strong and determined (hence MY frustration). She loves so deeply. I really believe she is going to be an incredible leader one day. Josiah is my gentle spirit. He is sensitive. He is a momma's boy right now, and I'll take it! He already exhibits empathy towards others. He loves and needs to be loved. My sweet sweet Joel. He has stolen my heart just as much as my other two have. His smile brightens my day. His giggles and jabbers are the sweetest sounds. He is calm and happy most of the time.
I love them so much. And I believe that is my "problem." I love them so much I want to make the right decision EVERY time for them. I love them so much I NEVER want to hurt them. I love them so much I want to be here WHENEVER they need me.
I love them so much... and it breaks my heart to pieces knowing I can never do all of those things. I cannot be that person who will ALWAYS make the right choice... who will NEVER leave them aching... who will be here EVERY time they need me.
Only one person can do those things to perfection, and He is the one I must point them to. He is the one I must lean on when I am weak... and let them see that.
So how do you deal with guilt that you just can seem to shake? How do you keep yourself from allowing guilt to creep in and steal your joy? This is not rhetorical! I would love to hear how others handle this battle.
Please share with me and let's encourage one another in this crazy journey because I know I sure can't do it alone!
1 comment:
Man oh man, may I just say, I can 110% relate to your frustrations! When all your kiddos are little, it seems like days go by in which you are living outside of yourself. You step back and look at yourself as say, "No, I did NOT just say that, or do that, or think that!"
As a mother of three (ages 10, 8, and 7 now- can you believe they are that old?), may I just say, there is no easy solution to deal with the guilt. Seriously. You are doing what you can do, with prayer and self-reflection, but the only thing that will totally "change" the situation is time.
In time, you will find your groove, your pattern, your way through maddening days- and then it will all change again! :0) Doesn't sound very hopeful, does it? But I know you. I know you love Jesus, and your family, so just ride the waves of this crazy motherhood roller coaster with your safety belt on nice and tight. Know that every day will NOT be perfect, and in your imperfection, your children are going to learn how to deal with their own imperfections.
It's all good, Mama! Keep on doing your thing, and know that your hope is in the ONE who is always there to listen to you, on the good and not-so-good days...
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