Saying "Yes" to God

What is it that is so difficult about saying "Yes" to God? We know He loves us. We know He is looking out for us. He only wants what is best for us. So what's the problem?

One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis. He says, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

Oh how true that statement is.

I am learning that saying "Yes" to God is very rarely the safe route. It is very rarely warm fuzzies that make us feel all nice and cozy. Actually, it is usually quite the opposite. It is usually something that takes us completely out of our comfort zones. Something that we feel we have absolutely no control over.

Saying "Yes" to God requires making a committment before you have all the details figured out. I wonder how many incredible experiences I have missed out on simply because I thought I needed to have it all figured out first. That is not faith, my friends.

I am no expert on faith. I give in to fear far more than I care to admit. Praise God for His grace and mercy in my moments (and there are many) of unbelief.

All of that being said, I am asking for support from my brothers and sisters with my "Yes, God" moment.

Sitting in our Women's Bible Study a few weeks ago, as we were discussing how fear prevents us from caring for those God has called us to love, I felt His gentle nudge. I heard His still, small voice whisper, "You are going to Haiti." Immediately, the "but Gods" started flowing. But God, how am I going to pay for that? But God, who will take care of my kids while Cameron is working? But God, I don't even know what kind of work they will be doing. Maybe it isn't something I'm good at... or even interested in. Two things God said to me in the midst of my "but Gods": 1) I've got this. 2) It's not about you.

Sigh of relief followed by OUCH.

So brothers and sisters, I ask, first for prayer. Often we use up every resource we can fathom before we fall on our knees and ask God to help. But prayer is the most effective tool we, as believers carry. "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." I hope there are some righteous men (and women) out there reading this... :)

I ask for you to consider helping me with finances. I don't have an exact dollar amount yet-- somewhere around the $1500 range. I will get those details once we know who all will be going.

So, I still don't know much, but I do know I'm going to Haiti from June 29th-July 8th. I don't know how we are going to pay for it. I don't know who is going to watch my kids. I don't know exactly what projects we will be doing.

I do know that God has asked me to follow His lead. I do know that I have the support of my husband and friends. I do know that God's got this in His more than capable hands.

Please join me in this adventure, and I truly do covet your prayers.

Joel Stephen- Birth Story

Goodness, how time flies! My sweet Joel Stephen is already 6 1/2 months old. I feel like I just brought that tiny (tiny compared to now at least) baby home from the hospital. I really want to get his birth story in writing before life keeps passing me by and I forget some of those precious details.

Pregnancy this time around was rough. Everything went smoothly. I was healthy. Baby was healthy. No major complications. But morning sickness for 24ish weeks while taking care of two other kiddos is no small feat. Oh, and did I mention that my husband was in an intense summer session of classes during my second trimester? On top of all of that, my precious baby decided to drop about 2 months before due date leaving me in a LOT of pain for the rest of the pregnancy.

That being said, every ache, pain, and sleepless night was completely worth it. My due date was September 13th, and as with my other two, Joel decided he wanted to stay nice and cozy for an extra couple of days. The difference this time around was that I labored at home for almost 48 hours before anything was consistent enough to head to the hospital. I was so thankful to have my dad in town helping with the kids because I could barely walk by this point because of the pain mentioned above.

Wednesday night at midnight, I began having intense contractions. Cameron laughs at me because I refuse to wake him up unless I know it's time... so I was awake allllllllll night... in labor... and never woke him because, as I said, the contractions weren't close enough together yet. He stayed home from classes the next day because I was convinced that would be the day.

Nope.

I spent all Thursday and Thursday night having the same intense, painful contractions. So by this time, I'm going on over 24 hours of no sleep except when I could doze off here and there until the next round of contractions.

Random, but funny memory I don't want to forget: I decided to bake chocolate chip cookies. I guess to keep me distracted. I don't know. Anyway, I come out of the kitchen into the living room to sit down, and Cameron is conked out on one sofa, and my dad is asleep on the other sofa. It just struck me as funny considering I was the one in labor who hadn't slept for who knows how many nights. I guess it was part of all that nesting at the end.

Anyway.

Friday was the same deal. I had my doctor appointment that morning, and I was convinced I would have dilated quite a bit... I was only at 3cm. Somewhat discouraged, but at least something was happening. Around 8:30pm, things really started picking up. By 9:45pm, Cameron and I were headed to LeConte Medical Center to have our baby boy!

I called my best friend, Amy to tell her we were headed that way, and she said, "I'm on my way!" So wonderful to have a friend like that when family isn't close enough to be there with me. (Love you Amy!)

We arrived at the hospital and were sent to triage until the nurse got a hold of my doctor to decide if I was close enough to keep me there. Amy arrived during that time. Around 12:30am, I was getting settled into my room. Again, it was so wonderful to have Amy there. She was so awesome helping me through contractions while I squeezed Cameron's hand. I am so glad I had both of them there. Cameron and Amy had two totally different styles of support, both of which I needed, and I am so grateful to both of them.

By the time I was dilated to about 7 or 8, I started getting shaky and freezing. At this point, obviously, I was in a bit of pain, and contractions were coming very fast. Joel's heart rate was dropping because I was basically hyperventilating through contractions. So, I was put on oxygen for a while, and opted for the epidural.

I don't recall how long after I got the epidural before it was time, but had I known it was going to be such a short amount of time, I would have just pushed on through. (haha See what I did there?) So it was almost 3:30am, just three hours after getting into my room, and Dr. Anderson came in to check on me. I was at 10cm, but Joel was pretty high, and they wanted to see him drop down before they were going to have me push. Dr. Anderson asked me to just give a little push to see if anything happened. I barely did anything, and she said, "Whoa! Stop!" and everyone started getting into there respective places. One more push, and Joel Stephen was brought into this world.

I love being able to compare each of my kids' birth stories. Some similarities, and yet all so different. Regardless, each time I have been in just the right place, surrounded by just the right people. I am so thankful the Lord has blessed us with these three babies (and the two I have not met yet that were taken too soon). He has been so good to us, and every day that I watch these kids grow, I am absolutely amazed that He is allowing me to be a part of something so much bigger than myself.

Let's Be Real...

I have been mulling over this post for a few days now... mainly because I have been trying to determine how vulnerable I am willing to be. I feel like if I can put things in writing, it will help me work through emotions, and sometimes input from the outside world can comfort, encourage, put things in perspective, or help me see things in a different light.

So here goes...

I am a mommy. Obviously. Lately, I have been struggling with this. Not the fact that I am a mommy, but how to be a mommy. Joel will be six months old tomorrow. The time has flown in some ways, but in others, it has crept by oh so slowly. This transition (from two kiddos to three) has been extremely difficult for me. Most days I feel completely overwhelmed. My five-year-old has the attitude of a fifteen-year-old, my two-year-old is pushing every boundary set for him (as is typical for a two-year-old), and my infant needs me constantly (again, typical, I know.) It's all normal kid behavior... but man... some days, I just don't know how to do it. I struggled with anxiety quite a bit after Joel was born, much of it associated with breastfeeding even though there were really no issues as far as milk supply or latching on, etc. The anxiety led me to decide to wean him much earlier than I wanted to. Which leads to my next topic...

Guilt...

You know what I'm talking about. Guilt from yelling at my kids out of frustration. Guilt from turning the TV on all day just because that's the only way it seemed I could make it through. Guilt from wanting to leave the house ALONE for a change. Guilt that I didn't choose to look past my anxiety and keep nursing. The list goes on.

I have been reading Priscilla Shirer's Resolution for Women. It has been fantastic so far, and I highly recommend it to every woman out there! One section spoke about recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses and encouraging others in their strengths. Well, I've got the weaknesses down and probably amplified, but I truly could not figure out what my strengths are. I am not posing this thought as a way to fish for compliments... that was part of my fear in sharing this, but I wonder how many of us live life thinking we are so messed up that no one could possibly see the good we offer... I know that is how I am living right now. I don't want to be living that way.

Ok... after all of that, let me just say... I adore my children. I really do. Jenna is seriously the funniest girl I know. She is so strong and determined (hence MY frustration). She loves so deeply. I really believe she is going to be an incredible leader one day. Josiah is my gentle spirit. He is sensitive. He is a momma's boy right now, and I'll take it! He already exhibits empathy towards others. He loves and needs to be loved. My sweet sweet Joel. He has stolen my heart just as much as my other two have. His smile brightens my day. His giggles and jabbers are the sweetest sounds. He is calm and happy most of the time.

I love them so much. And I believe that is my "problem." I love them so much I want to make the right decision EVERY time for them. I love them so much I NEVER want to hurt them. I love them so much I want to be here WHENEVER they need me.

I love them so much... and it breaks my heart to pieces knowing I can never do all of those things. I cannot be that person who will ALWAYS make the right choice... who will NEVER leave them aching... who will be here EVERY time they need me.

Only one person can do those things to perfection, and He is the one I must point them to. He is the one I must lean on when I am weak... and let them see that.

So how do you deal with guilt that you just can seem to shake? How do you keep yourself from allowing guilt to creep in and steal your joy? This is not rhetorical! I would love to hear how others handle this battle.

Please share with me and let's encourage one another in this crazy journey because I know I sure can't do it alone!

Choosing Truth

As I have struggled through this miscarriage, I have received a lot of messages about how I am handling it with such strength and courage. For those of you who have offered such words of encouragement, THANK YOU! Those messages have come at some of my weakest moments. Those words, at just the right time, gave me exactly what I needed.

While my status updates and blog may seem so strong, I can't even describe the conflict that wages war in my mind each day-- the constant struggle between bitterness, anger, and resentment and truth, joy, and love.

The fact is I hurt... deeply. I am angry-- often. I don't want to talk about pregnancy-- at all. I still feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I don't want to push my feelings to the side, yet I don't want to wallow in self pity either.

I have discovered a few things that have helped immensely:
1) The Word- when I start thinking negative thoughts-- angry and bitter thoughts-- I seek Truth and encouragement from God's Word. 2) Serving-- specifically crocheting baby gifts for dear friends who are expecting or have just delivered. 3) Making a conscious effort to ask how others are doing.

It's not easy, and I give in to my selfish thoughts more often than I care to admit. Thank the Lord for His grace and mercy.

This world-- this life-- is so much bigger than me. The ways in which God chooses to move are so far beyond me.

In short--

It's not about me.

Philippians 2:13 “It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Glory Baby

Well, once again, life has thrown our little family quite a curve ball. I lost my second little angel in miscarriage on October 12th. I went into my ultrasound on September 28th feeling great-- assuming I'd see my little baby-- hear his/her little heartbeat. I did see my angel... but there was no heartbeat. The doctor suggested I come back a week later just in case I was earlier in my pregnancy than I thought. That week of not knowing was absolute torture-- a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from complete hope that God would let me have my baby to assuming the worst--I would go from one to the other in a split second.


Once I learned that my baby was, in fact, not alive, I then had to wait for my body to complete the miscarriage. It was another week before I finally lost my precious angel. Those two weeks were the longest two weeks of my life.


The physical and emotional pain, both, are indescribable. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my glory babies. More than anything, though, I want the love of Christ to be evident in my life regardless of my circumstances. I pray with all my heart that somehow, in some way, the Lord will take these ashes and make them beautiful. He has a way of doing that... and it always ends up being far greater than we could ever imagine.


Glory Baby-- Watermark


Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…


Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do


Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…


BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

A quick update

Life has been a bit crazy lately... some good, some bad. I was privileged to be with Brent and Brittany when sweet little Ella Rose was born... not WHEN she was born, but for hours before and a few days following. :) It was such a joyful time and a reminder of how quickly  that little life grows. I couldn't help but think about my beautiful kiddos and how they, at one time, were so tiny. Now even Josiah, who is 10 months old, is so active, full of personality and life, and has grown into such a sweet little boy. As I look at Jenna, I realize how grown up she is, and although she is 3 and quite immature in many aspects of life, she is so smart, spunky, and perceptive. It is so incredible to see who they become as they grow older, and I often wonder why God is allowing me to play such a large role in their development and growth when I am so inadequate. It is only by his grace, that is for sure.

On a less positive note, our friend Josh who has the brain tumor received word that the 6 weeks of chemo and radiation had no effect on the tumor. It has actually grown and seems even more aggressive. Here is their blog if you would like to follow their journey. My goal in continually mentioning their blog is to hopefully get more and more people to join in prayer as HE is the only one able to heal Josh. If you are reading this, please commit to praying for him and for his sweet family, Kristin (wife), Kosette (4 1/2), James (3), and Kassie (6 mo). My heart is at a loss. My prayers are constant and I do expect God to do big things... I have no idea how he will choose to do them, but I know He will.

Having one of those days...

feeling the need to express my emotions... but not quite having the words to do justice to what I am feeling. I know it has been an incredibly long time since I posted last. I get caught up in how my writing will sound... whether it will flow smoothly and clearly... and end up not doing it at all. I finally determined that as long as I am sharing my heart, it doesn't really matter.

A whole lot has been going on lately. Wonderful, faith-building, risky, adventurous things. I don't think I would be capable of viewing it that way if I didn't trust in my Almighty God who has every aspect of our lives completely under control even when it seems most chaotic.

I won't go into a whole lot of details right now because my emotions today and for the past week or so have nothing to do with those details. All I will say is pray for our family as Cam searches for a job. He has been working so hard to secure something and has a couple really good leads. Despite the insecurity of the situation, we feel complete security and peace as our only choice is to rely on our LORD.

What has been heavy on my heart as of late is our dear sweet friends, Josh and Kristin Mott, preparing to move back home to Pennsylvania. A lot of you who read this know the situation, but for those of you who don't, here are the basics. Josh began having seizures last fall. After months of trying to figure out the cause, he was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumor. The tumor is inoperable because it is too intertwined with good tissue. He was given 2-3 years to live, and is currently undergoing chemo and radiation to put the tumor to sleep. They are heading back to Pennsylvania this Friday to spend as much time as possible with their family.

Part of my reason for blogging about this is because I have been praying constantly (quite literally). There have been few moments that have passed that they have not been on my heart. Despite my constant prayer, it just doesn't feel like enough. I feel so helpless. So I am asking for anyone reading this to please join me as I intercede for this precious family and my dear friends. If you are interested in following their journey, you can read their blog.

This goodbye is one I am not prepared to face. I believe in a Healer who is most capable of removing the tumor completely, therefore, my constant prayer is for complete healing. However, I do not know the plans the Lord has for the Motts. It is possible that, somehow, He may be glorified even more in Josh's death. It's hard for me to even type those words because I so desperately do not want that to be the direction it goes. But who am I to think I know any better?

The truth is, real and complete healing only happens when a child of God finally stands in the presence of the Lord.

Revelation 21:4-- "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Longing for that day more than ever.