As I have struggled through this miscarriage, I have received a lot of messages about how I am handling it with such strength and courage. For those of you who have offered such words of encouragement, THANK YOU! Those messages have come at some of my weakest moments. Those words, at just the right time, gave me exactly what I needed.
While my status updates and blog may seem so strong, I can't even describe the conflict that wages war in my mind each day-- the constant struggle between bitterness, anger, and resentment and truth, joy, and love.
The fact is I hurt... deeply. I am angry-- often. I don't want to talk about pregnancy-- at all. I still feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I don't want to push my feelings to the side, yet I don't want to wallow in self pity either.
I have discovered a few things that have helped immensely:
1) The Word- when I start thinking negative thoughts-- angry and bitter thoughts-- I seek Truth and encouragement from God's Word. 2) Serving-- specifically crocheting baby gifts for dear friends who are expecting or have just delivered. 3) Making a conscious effort to ask how others are doing.
It's not easy, and I give in to my selfish thoughts more often than I care to admit. Thank the Lord for His grace and mercy.
This world-- this life-- is so much bigger than me. The ways in which God chooses to move are so far beyond me.
In short--
It's not about me.
Philippians 2:13 “It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Glory Baby
Well, once again, life has thrown our little family quite a curve ball. I lost my second little angel in miscarriage on October 12th. I went into my ultrasound on September 28th feeling great-- assuming I'd see my little baby-- hear his/her little heartbeat. I did see my angel... but there was no heartbeat. The doctor suggested I come back a week later just in case I was earlier in my pregnancy than I thought. That week of not knowing was absolute torture-- a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from complete hope that God would let me have my baby to assuming the worst--I would go from one to the other in a split second.
Once I learned that my baby was, in fact, not alive, I then had to wait for my body to complete the miscarriage. It was another week before I finally lost my precious angel. Those two weeks were the longest two weeks of my life.
The physical and emotional pain, both, are indescribable. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my glory babies. More than anything, though, I want the love of Christ to be evident in my life regardless of my circumstances. I pray with all my heart that somehow, in some way, the Lord will take these ashes and make them beautiful. He has a way of doing that... and it always ends up being far greater than we could ever imagine.
Glory Baby-- Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Once I learned that my baby was, in fact, not alive, I then had to wait for my body to complete the miscarriage. It was another week before I finally lost my precious angel. Those two weeks were the longest two weeks of my life.
The physical and emotional pain, both, are indescribable. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my glory babies. More than anything, though, I want the love of Christ to be evident in my life regardless of my circumstances. I pray with all my heart that somehow, in some way, the Lord will take these ashes and make them beautiful. He has a way of doing that... and it always ends up being far greater than we could ever imagine.
Glory Baby-- Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
A quick update
Life has been a bit crazy lately... some good, some bad. I was privileged to be with Brent and Brittany when sweet little Ella Rose was born... not WHEN she was born, but for hours before and a few days following. :) It was such a joyful time and a reminder of how quickly that little life grows. I couldn't help but think about my beautiful kiddos and how they, at one time, were so tiny. Now even Josiah, who is 10 months old, is so active, full of personality and life, and has grown into such a sweet little boy. As I look at Jenna, I realize how grown up she is, and although she is 3 and quite immature in many aspects of life, she is so smart, spunky, and perceptive. It is so incredible to see who they become as they grow older, and I often wonder why God is allowing me to play such a large role in their development and growth when I am so inadequate. It is only by his grace, that is for sure.
On a less positive note, our friend Josh who has the brain tumor received word that the 6 weeks of chemo and radiation had no effect on the tumor. It has actually grown and seems even more aggressive. Here is their blog if you would like to follow their journey. My goal in continually mentioning their blog is to hopefully get more and more people to join in prayer as HE is the only one able to heal Josh. If you are reading this, please commit to praying for him and for his sweet family, Kristin (wife), Kosette (4 1/2), James (3), and Kassie (6 mo). My heart is at a loss. My prayers are constant and I do expect God to do big things... I have no idea how he will choose to do them, but I know He will.
On a less positive note, our friend Josh who has the brain tumor received word that the 6 weeks of chemo and radiation had no effect on the tumor. It has actually grown and seems even more aggressive. Here is their blog if you would like to follow their journey. My goal in continually mentioning their blog is to hopefully get more and more people to join in prayer as HE is the only one able to heal Josh. If you are reading this, please commit to praying for him and for his sweet family, Kristin (wife), Kosette (4 1/2), James (3), and Kassie (6 mo). My heart is at a loss. My prayers are constant and I do expect God to do big things... I have no idea how he will choose to do them, but I know He will.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Having one of those days...
feeling the need to express my emotions... but not quite having the words to do justice to what I am feeling. I know it has been an incredibly long time since I posted last. I get caught up in how my writing will sound... whether it will flow smoothly and clearly... and end up not doing it at all. I finally determined that as long as I am sharing my heart, it doesn't really matter.
A whole lot has been going on lately. Wonderful, faith-building, risky, adventurous things. I don't think I would be capable of viewing it that way if I didn't trust in my Almighty God who has every aspect of our lives completely under control even when it seems most chaotic.
I won't go into a whole lot of details right now because my emotions today and for the past week or so have nothing to do with those details. All I will say is pray for our family as Cam searches for a job. He has been working so hard to secure something and has a couple really good leads. Despite the insecurity of the situation, we feel complete security and peace as our only choice is to rely on our LORD.
What has been heavy on my heart as of late is our dear sweet friends, Josh and Kristin Mott, preparing to move back home to Pennsylvania. A lot of you who read this know the situation, but for those of you who don't, here are the basics. Josh began having seizures last fall. After months of trying to figure out the cause, he was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumor. The tumor is inoperable because it is too intertwined with good tissue. He was given 2-3 years to live, and is currently undergoing chemo and radiation to put the tumor to sleep. They are heading back to Pennsylvania this Friday to spend as much time as possible with their family.
Part of my reason for blogging about this is because I have been praying constantly (quite literally). There have been few moments that have passed that they have not been on my heart. Despite my constant prayer, it just doesn't feel like enough. I feel so helpless. So I am asking for anyone reading this to please join me as I intercede for this precious family and my dear friends. If you are interested in following their journey, you can read their blog.
This goodbye is one I am not prepared to face. I believe in a Healer who is most capable of removing the tumor completely, therefore, my constant prayer is for complete healing. However, I do not know the plans the Lord has for the Motts. It is possible that, somehow, He may be glorified even more in Josh's death. It's hard for me to even type those words because I so desperately do not want that to be the direction it goes. But who am I to think I know any better?
The truth is, real and complete healing only happens when a child of God finally stands in the presence of the Lord.
Revelation 21:4-- "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Longing for that day more than ever.
A whole lot has been going on lately. Wonderful, faith-building, risky, adventurous things. I don't think I would be capable of viewing it that way if I didn't trust in my Almighty God who has every aspect of our lives completely under control even when it seems most chaotic.
I won't go into a whole lot of details right now because my emotions today and for the past week or so have nothing to do with those details. All I will say is pray for our family as Cam searches for a job. He has been working so hard to secure something and has a couple really good leads. Despite the insecurity of the situation, we feel complete security and peace as our only choice is to rely on our LORD.
What has been heavy on my heart as of late is our dear sweet friends, Josh and Kristin Mott, preparing to move back home to Pennsylvania. A lot of you who read this know the situation, but for those of you who don't, here are the basics. Josh began having seizures last fall. After months of trying to figure out the cause, he was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumor. The tumor is inoperable because it is too intertwined with good tissue. He was given 2-3 years to live, and is currently undergoing chemo and radiation to put the tumor to sleep. They are heading back to Pennsylvania this Friday to spend as much time as possible with their family.
Part of my reason for blogging about this is because I have been praying constantly (quite literally). There have been few moments that have passed that they have not been on my heart. Despite my constant prayer, it just doesn't feel like enough. I feel so helpless. So I am asking for anyone reading this to please join me as I intercede for this precious family and my dear friends. If you are interested in following their journey, you can read their blog.
This goodbye is one I am not prepared to face. I believe in a Healer who is most capable of removing the tumor completely, therefore, my constant prayer is for complete healing. However, I do not know the plans the Lord has for the Motts. It is possible that, somehow, He may be glorified even more in Josh's death. It's hard for me to even type those words because I so desperately do not want that to be the direction it goes. But who am I to think I know any better?
The truth is, real and complete healing only happens when a child of God finally stands in the presence of the Lord.
Revelation 21:4-- "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Longing for that day more than ever.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Trust
Well, it's been a little while... I've had quite a bit to blog about just no motivation to sit down and do it. I've been learning a whole lot about trust lately. For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you have been seeing my updates about life in the Rodman household.
Trust lesson #1: Cameron did not get the job we were hoping for. Because I am a stay-at-home mom, our family relies on his income. He is an incredibly hard worker, very talented at what he does, willing and able to learn anything he does not know already, etc., and yet he still cannot get hired into a higher position. He has had multiple interviews and was called back to a 2nd interview this last time. Every time they say he had an excellent interview, that it came down to him and one or two other people, but they decided to choose the one who has had more experience. Ok, I get that... but we're just ready for someone out there to give him a chance, you know? He would be excellent at whatever he is asked to do.
Anyway, lots of lessons tied up under this one really: a) Trusting God with our finances-- knowing that He will (and already continually does) provide for our family. Somehow, we always wind up with extra money to put into savings at the end of each month. Praise God! b) Trusting God with our future-- we want to be up closer to family, and we still feel that God is pulling us in that direction, but we have to let go and know that His timing is absolutely perfect.
Big lesson #2 on trust: Our car accident. Wow. God was definitely good to us.
It had started snowing quite steadily on Sunday. Cameron got off work early, and we decided to head on up to my mom and dad's for the night. The roads were not terrible, and we are used to driving in snow, but we ended up having to take a detour on some country roads. We were coming up on a stop sign, and all I know is I saw it coming... and coming... and we were not slowing down. Cameron said, "Hold on," and all I could think about in that split second were my babies in the back. We went down into a ditch and up into a bank on the other side of the ditch. I began freaking out but not for myself... you momma's out there know exactly where your head and heart would be-- it was only a matter of seconds and I was back hugging and kissing on my crying babies. Oh my... I have never felt so much love for them than in that moment. We prayed immediately after, thanking God for keeping us safe. While Cameron was assessing the damage and making phone calls, I was keeping Jenna and Josiah company. I hugged Jenna and told her I was so glad God had kept all of us safe. She said, "He was holding the car in His hands." How right she was.
Well, we are praising God for keeping us safe, but as I stated a few paragraphs above, we are a family of 4 on 1 not-so-large income, and now we have to fork out money to fix our van. Insurance is covering most of the damage, but we still have quite large deductible to pay. Thankfully, a year ago we got out of debt and have our 3-6 months worth of income in savings, so this does not feel like such a financial emergency. Still, it's frustrating... but we are trusting God, once again, to provide exactly what we need. We are so thankful that the van wasn't totaled.
So anyway... I know this is long. That's what happens when I take a break from blogging, I guess. :) God has been good and gracious to us, as He always is, and He is teaching me new things every day. That in itself is grace-- that He continues to teach me when I continually don't get it!
Psalm 9:9-11
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
11 Sing the praises of the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
proclaim among the nations what he has done.
Trust lesson #1: Cameron did not get the job we were hoping for. Because I am a stay-at-home mom, our family relies on his income. He is an incredibly hard worker, very talented at what he does, willing and able to learn anything he does not know already, etc., and yet he still cannot get hired into a higher position. He has had multiple interviews and was called back to a 2nd interview this last time. Every time they say he had an excellent interview, that it came down to him and one or two other people, but they decided to choose the one who has had more experience. Ok, I get that... but we're just ready for someone out there to give him a chance, you know? He would be excellent at whatever he is asked to do.
Anyway, lots of lessons tied up under this one really: a) Trusting God with our finances-- knowing that He will (and already continually does) provide for our family. Somehow, we always wind up with extra money to put into savings at the end of each month. Praise God! b) Trusting God with our future-- we want to be up closer to family, and we still feel that God is pulling us in that direction, but we have to let go and know that His timing is absolutely perfect.
Big lesson #2 on trust: Our car accident. Wow. God was definitely good to us.
It had started snowing quite steadily on Sunday. Cameron got off work early, and we decided to head on up to my mom and dad's for the night. The roads were not terrible, and we are used to driving in snow, but we ended up having to take a detour on some country roads. We were coming up on a stop sign, and all I know is I saw it coming... and coming... and we were not slowing down. Cameron said, "Hold on," and all I could think about in that split second were my babies in the back. We went down into a ditch and up into a bank on the other side of the ditch. I began freaking out but not for myself... you momma's out there know exactly where your head and heart would be-- it was only a matter of seconds and I was back hugging and kissing on my crying babies. Oh my... I have never felt so much love for them than in that moment. We prayed immediately after, thanking God for keeping us safe. While Cameron was assessing the damage and making phone calls, I was keeping Jenna and Josiah company. I hugged Jenna and told her I was so glad God had kept all of us safe. She said, "He was holding the car in His hands." How right she was.
Well, we are praising God for keeping us safe, but as I stated a few paragraphs above, we are a family of 4 on 1 not-so-large income, and now we have to fork out money to fix our van. Insurance is covering most of the damage, but we still have quite large deductible to pay. Thankfully, a year ago we got out of debt and have our 3-6 months worth of income in savings, so this does not feel like such a financial emergency. Still, it's frustrating... but we are trusting God, once again, to provide exactly what we need. We are so thankful that the van wasn't totaled.
So anyway... I know this is long. That's what happens when I take a break from blogging, I guess. :) God has been good and gracious to us, as He always is, and He is teaching me new things every day. That in itself is grace-- that He continues to teach me when I continually don't get it!
Psalm 9:9-11
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
11 Sing the praises of the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
proclaim among the nations what he has done.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Grandma's Sweet Potatoes
Here is a family recipe for a sweet potato casserole. This is much better than those recipes with marshmallows on top (in my family's opinion and those who have been brave enough to venture away from the marsmallows!) :)
Ingredients
1 large can yams (2lbs)
1 stick of butter
Flour
Brown sugar
Directions
Heat oven to 350*
Melt butter in oven in 9x9 baking dish. Meanwhile, drain yams but SAVE THE JUICE.
Place flour in large ziploc or bowl and coat yams. When butter is completely melted, roll coated yams in butter and arrange in dish. Pour saved juice over top and sprinkle with as much brown sugar as you like! Bake until thick and bubbly. (Usually about an hour-- sometimes a little longer).
There you have it! The best sweet potatoes ever!
Check out Sandra's page for more yummy recipes!
Ingredients
1 large can yams (2lbs)
1 stick of butter
Flour
Brown sugar
Directions
Heat oven to 350*
Melt butter in oven in 9x9 baking dish. Meanwhile, drain yams but SAVE THE JUICE.
Place flour in large ziploc or bowl and coat yams. When butter is completely melted, roll coated yams in butter and arrange in dish. Pour saved juice over top and sprinkle with as much brown sugar as you like! Bake until thick and bubbly. (Usually about an hour-- sometimes a little longer).
There you have it! The best sweet potatoes ever!
Check out Sandra's page for more yummy recipes!
Monday, November 29, 2010
It's a beautiful sunny, fall day today. Chilly but will probably go on a nice walk later.
Things that make me happy:
Watching White Christmas with a nice hot cup of coffee or hot chocolate.
Book I'm reading:
Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore and rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows since I just saw part 1.
What's on my TV today:
At the moment... Care Bears. Hopefully some Christmas movies later.
On the menu for dinner:
Haven't decided yet... need to do some menu planning.
On my To Do List:
2 loads of laundry
Dishes
Menu Planning
New Recipe I tried or want to try soon:
Sweet Potato Pie
I want to start working on some crocheted Christmas decorations.
Looking forward to this week:
Hopefully putting up our little Christmas tree and baking some Christmas cookies with Jenna.
Tips and Tricks:
Listen to those little nudges from God throughout the day-- i.e. When Josiah wakes up early from a nap and I want to just stick a pacifier in his mouth, sometimes God will say to me, "Hold your baby."
My favorite blog post this week:
No blog reading yet
Blog Hopping (a new discovered blog you would like to share with the readers):
Diary of a Stay at Home Mom
No words needed (favorite photo or picture, yours or others you want to share):
Having trouble uploading-- I'll do this part later.
Lesson learned the past few days:
I can't do it all.
On my mind:
Where we will be moving-- Cameron will be finding out this week if he got the job in Zionsville, IN. We are stressing over finding a place to live that is within our means but still feels like a home. We could use prayer.
Devotionals, Scripture Reading, Key Verses:
"I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you-- the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep your from all harm-- he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
-- Psalm 121 (emphasis mine)
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