I have been mulling over this post for a few days now... mainly because I have been trying to determine how vulnerable I am willing to be. I feel like if I can put things in writing, it will help me work through emotions, and sometimes input from the outside world can comfort, encourage, put things in perspective, or help me see things in a different light.
So here goes...
I am a mommy. Obviously. Lately, I have been struggling with this. Not the fact that I am a mommy, but how to be a mommy. Joel will be six months old tomorrow. The time has flown in some ways, but in others, it has crept by oh so slowly. This transition (from two kiddos to three) has been extremely difficult for me. Most days I feel completely overwhelmed. My five-year-old has the attitude of a fifteen-year-old, my two-year-old is pushing every boundary set for him (as is typical for a two-year-old), and my infant needs me constantly (again, typical, I know.) It's all normal kid behavior... but man... some days, I just don't know how to do it. I struggled with anxiety quite a bit after Joel was born, much of it associated with breastfeeding even though there were really no issues as far as milk supply or latching on, etc. The anxiety led me to decide to wean him much earlier than I wanted to. Which leads to my next topic...
Guilt...
You know what I'm talking about. Guilt from yelling at my kids out of frustration. Guilt from turning the TV on all day just because that's the only way it seemed I could make it through. Guilt from wanting to leave the house ALONE for a change. Guilt that I didn't choose to look past my anxiety and keep nursing. The list goes on.
I have been reading Priscilla Shirer's Resolution for Women. It has been fantastic so far, and I highly recommend it to every woman out there! One section spoke about recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses and encouraging others in their strengths. Well, I've got the weaknesses down and probably amplified, but I truly could not figure out what my strengths are. I am not posing this thought as a way to fish for compliments... that was part of my fear in sharing this, but I wonder how many of us live life thinking we are so messed up that no one could possibly see the good we offer... I know that is how I am living right now. I don't want to be living that way.
Ok... after all of that, let me just say... I adore my children. I really do. Jenna is seriously the funniest girl I know. She is so strong and determined (hence MY frustration). She loves so deeply. I really believe she is going to be an incredible leader one day. Josiah is my gentle spirit. He is sensitive. He is a momma's boy right now, and I'll take it! He already exhibits empathy towards others. He loves and needs to be loved. My sweet sweet Joel. He has stolen my heart just as much as my other two have. His smile brightens my day. His giggles and jabbers are the sweetest sounds. He is calm and happy most of the time.
I love them so much. And I believe that is my "problem." I love them so much I want to make the right decision EVERY time for them. I love them so much I NEVER want to hurt them. I love them so much I want to be here WHENEVER they need me.
I love them so much... and it breaks my heart to pieces knowing I can never do all of those things. I cannot be that person who will ALWAYS make the right choice... who will NEVER leave them aching... who will be here EVERY time they need me.
Only one person can do those things to perfection, and He is the one I must point them to. He is the one I must lean on when I am weak... and let them see that.
So how do you deal with guilt that you just can seem to shake? How do you keep yourself from allowing guilt to creep in and steal your joy? This is not rhetorical! I would love to hear how others handle this battle.
Please share with me and let's encourage one another in this crazy journey because I know I sure can't do it alone!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Choosing Truth
As I have struggled through this miscarriage, I have received a lot of messages about how I am handling it with such strength and courage. For those of you who have offered such words of encouragement, THANK YOU! Those messages have come at some of my weakest moments. Those words, at just the right time, gave me exactly what I needed.
While my status updates and blog may seem so strong, I can't even describe the conflict that wages war in my mind each day-- the constant struggle between bitterness, anger, and resentment and truth, joy, and love.
The fact is I hurt... deeply. I am angry-- often. I don't want to talk about pregnancy-- at all. I still feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I don't want to push my feelings to the side, yet I don't want to wallow in self pity either.
I have discovered a few things that have helped immensely:
1) The Word- when I start thinking negative thoughts-- angry and bitter thoughts-- I seek Truth and encouragement from God's Word. 2) Serving-- specifically crocheting baby gifts for dear friends who are expecting or have just delivered. 3) Making a conscious effort to ask how others are doing.
It's not easy, and I give in to my selfish thoughts more often than I care to admit. Thank the Lord for His grace and mercy.
This world-- this life-- is so much bigger than me. The ways in which God chooses to move are so far beyond me.
In short--
It's not about me.
Philippians 2:13 “It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
While my status updates and blog may seem so strong, I can't even describe the conflict that wages war in my mind each day-- the constant struggle between bitterness, anger, and resentment and truth, joy, and love.
The fact is I hurt... deeply. I am angry-- often. I don't want to talk about pregnancy-- at all. I still feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I don't want to push my feelings to the side, yet I don't want to wallow in self pity either.
I have discovered a few things that have helped immensely:
1) The Word- when I start thinking negative thoughts-- angry and bitter thoughts-- I seek Truth and encouragement from God's Word. 2) Serving-- specifically crocheting baby gifts for dear friends who are expecting or have just delivered. 3) Making a conscious effort to ask how others are doing.
It's not easy, and I give in to my selfish thoughts more often than I care to admit. Thank the Lord for His grace and mercy.
This world-- this life-- is so much bigger than me. The ways in which God chooses to move are so far beyond me.
In short--
It's not about me.
Philippians 2:13 “It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Glory Baby
Well, once again, life has thrown our little family quite a curve ball. I lost my second little angel in miscarriage on October 12th. I went into my ultrasound on September 28th feeling great-- assuming I'd see my little baby-- hear his/her little heartbeat. I did see my angel... but there was no heartbeat. The doctor suggested I come back a week later just in case I was earlier in my pregnancy than I thought. That week of not knowing was absolute torture-- a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from complete hope that God would let me have my baby to assuming the worst--I would go from one to the other in a split second.
Once I learned that my baby was, in fact, not alive, I then had to wait for my body to complete the miscarriage. It was another week before I finally lost my precious angel. Those two weeks were the longest two weeks of my life.
The physical and emotional pain, both, are indescribable. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my glory babies. More than anything, though, I want the love of Christ to be evident in my life regardless of my circumstances. I pray with all my heart that somehow, in some way, the Lord will take these ashes and make them beautiful. He has a way of doing that... and it always ends up being far greater than we could ever imagine.
Glory Baby-- Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Once I learned that my baby was, in fact, not alive, I then had to wait for my body to complete the miscarriage. It was another week before I finally lost my precious angel. Those two weeks were the longest two weeks of my life.
The physical and emotional pain, both, are indescribable. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my glory babies. More than anything, though, I want the love of Christ to be evident in my life regardless of my circumstances. I pray with all my heart that somehow, in some way, the Lord will take these ashes and make them beautiful. He has a way of doing that... and it always ends up being far greater than we could ever imagine.
Glory Baby-- Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
A quick update
Life has been a bit crazy lately... some good, some bad. I was privileged to be with Brent and Brittany when sweet little Ella Rose was born... not WHEN she was born, but for hours before and a few days following. :) It was such a joyful time and a reminder of how quickly that little life grows. I couldn't help but think about my beautiful kiddos and how they, at one time, were so tiny. Now even Josiah, who is 10 months old, is so active, full of personality and life, and has grown into such a sweet little boy. As I look at Jenna, I realize how grown up she is, and although she is 3 and quite immature in many aspects of life, she is so smart, spunky, and perceptive. It is so incredible to see who they become as they grow older, and I often wonder why God is allowing me to play such a large role in their development and growth when I am so inadequate. It is only by his grace, that is for sure.
On a less positive note, our friend Josh who has the brain tumor received word that the 6 weeks of chemo and radiation had no effect on the tumor. It has actually grown and seems even more aggressive. Here is their blog if you would like to follow their journey. My goal in continually mentioning their blog is to hopefully get more and more people to join in prayer as HE is the only one able to heal Josh. If you are reading this, please commit to praying for him and for his sweet family, Kristin (wife), Kosette (4 1/2), James (3), and Kassie (6 mo). My heart is at a loss. My prayers are constant and I do expect God to do big things... I have no idea how he will choose to do them, but I know He will.
On a less positive note, our friend Josh who has the brain tumor received word that the 6 weeks of chemo and radiation had no effect on the tumor. It has actually grown and seems even more aggressive. Here is their blog if you would like to follow their journey. My goal in continually mentioning their blog is to hopefully get more and more people to join in prayer as HE is the only one able to heal Josh. If you are reading this, please commit to praying for him and for his sweet family, Kristin (wife), Kosette (4 1/2), James (3), and Kassie (6 mo). My heart is at a loss. My prayers are constant and I do expect God to do big things... I have no idea how he will choose to do them, but I know He will.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Having one of those days...
feeling the need to express my emotions... but not quite having the words to do justice to what I am feeling. I know it has been an incredibly long time since I posted last. I get caught up in how my writing will sound... whether it will flow smoothly and clearly... and end up not doing it at all. I finally determined that as long as I am sharing my heart, it doesn't really matter.
A whole lot has been going on lately. Wonderful, faith-building, risky, adventurous things. I don't think I would be capable of viewing it that way if I didn't trust in my Almighty God who has every aspect of our lives completely under control even when it seems most chaotic.
I won't go into a whole lot of details right now because my emotions today and for the past week or so have nothing to do with those details. All I will say is pray for our family as Cam searches for a job. He has been working so hard to secure something and has a couple really good leads. Despite the insecurity of the situation, we feel complete security and peace as our only choice is to rely on our LORD.
What has been heavy on my heart as of late is our dear sweet friends, Josh and Kristin Mott, preparing to move back home to Pennsylvania. A lot of you who read this know the situation, but for those of you who don't, here are the basics. Josh began having seizures last fall. After months of trying to figure out the cause, he was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumor. The tumor is inoperable because it is too intertwined with good tissue. He was given 2-3 years to live, and is currently undergoing chemo and radiation to put the tumor to sleep. They are heading back to Pennsylvania this Friday to spend as much time as possible with their family.
Part of my reason for blogging about this is because I have been praying constantly (quite literally). There have been few moments that have passed that they have not been on my heart. Despite my constant prayer, it just doesn't feel like enough. I feel so helpless. So I am asking for anyone reading this to please join me as I intercede for this precious family and my dear friends. If you are interested in following their journey, you can read their blog.
This goodbye is one I am not prepared to face. I believe in a Healer who is most capable of removing the tumor completely, therefore, my constant prayer is for complete healing. However, I do not know the plans the Lord has for the Motts. It is possible that, somehow, He may be glorified even more in Josh's death. It's hard for me to even type those words because I so desperately do not want that to be the direction it goes. But who am I to think I know any better?
The truth is, real and complete healing only happens when a child of God finally stands in the presence of the Lord.
Revelation 21:4-- "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Longing for that day more than ever.
A whole lot has been going on lately. Wonderful, faith-building, risky, adventurous things. I don't think I would be capable of viewing it that way if I didn't trust in my Almighty God who has every aspect of our lives completely under control even when it seems most chaotic.
I won't go into a whole lot of details right now because my emotions today and for the past week or so have nothing to do with those details. All I will say is pray for our family as Cam searches for a job. He has been working so hard to secure something and has a couple really good leads. Despite the insecurity of the situation, we feel complete security and peace as our only choice is to rely on our LORD.
What has been heavy on my heart as of late is our dear sweet friends, Josh and Kristin Mott, preparing to move back home to Pennsylvania. A lot of you who read this know the situation, but for those of you who don't, here are the basics. Josh began having seizures last fall. After months of trying to figure out the cause, he was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumor. The tumor is inoperable because it is too intertwined with good tissue. He was given 2-3 years to live, and is currently undergoing chemo and radiation to put the tumor to sleep. They are heading back to Pennsylvania this Friday to spend as much time as possible with their family.
Part of my reason for blogging about this is because I have been praying constantly (quite literally). There have been few moments that have passed that they have not been on my heart. Despite my constant prayer, it just doesn't feel like enough. I feel so helpless. So I am asking for anyone reading this to please join me as I intercede for this precious family and my dear friends. If you are interested in following their journey, you can read their blog.
This goodbye is one I am not prepared to face. I believe in a Healer who is most capable of removing the tumor completely, therefore, my constant prayer is for complete healing. However, I do not know the plans the Lord has for the Motts. It is possible that, somehow, He may be glorified even more in Josh's death. It's hard for me to even type those words because I so desperately do not want that to be the direction it goes. But who am I to think I know any better?
The truth is, real and complete healing only happens when a child of God finally stands in the presence of the Lord.
Revelation 21:4-- "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Longing for that day more than ever.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Trust
Well, it's been a little while... I've had quite a bit to blog about just no motivation to sit down and do it. I've been learning a whole lot about trust lately. For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you have been seeing my updates about life in the Rodman household.
Trust lesson #1: Cameron did not get the job we were hoping for. Because I am a stay-at-home mom, our family relies on his income. He is an incredibly hard worker, very talented at what he does, willing and able to learn anything he does not know already, etc., and yet he still cannot get hired into a higher position. He has had multiple interviews and was called back to a 2nd interview this last time. Every time they say he had an excellent interview, that it came down to him and one or two other people, but they decided to choose the one who has had more experience. Ok, I get that... but we're just ready for someone out there to give him a chance, you know? He would be excellent at whatever he is asked to do.
Anyway, lots of lessons tied up under this one really: a) Trusting God with our finances-- knowing that He will (and already continually does) provide for our family. Somehow, we always wind up with extra money to put into savings at the end of each month. Praise God! b) Trusting God with our future-- we want to be up closer to family, and we still feel that God is pulling us in that direction, but we have to let go and know that His timing is absolutely perfect.
Big lesson #2 on trust: Our car accident. Wow. God was definitely good to us.
It had started snowing quite steadily on Sunday. Cameron got off work early, and we decided to head on up to my mom and dad's for the night. The roads were not terrible, and we are used to driving in snow, but we ended up having to take a detour on some country roads. We were coming up on a stop sign, and all I know is I saw it coming... and coming... and we were not slowing down. Cameron said, "Hold on," and all I could think about in that split second were my babies in the back. We went down into a ditch and up into a bank on the other side of the ditch. I began freaking out but not for myself... you momma's out there know exactly where your head and heart would be-- it was only a matter of seconds and I was back hugging and kissing on my crying babies. Oh my... I have never felt so much love for them than in that moment. We prayed immediately after, thanking God for keeping us safe. While Cameron was assessing the damage and making phone calls, I was keeping Jenna and Josiah company. I hugged Jenna and told her I was so glad God had kept all of us safe. She said, "He was holding the car in His hands." How right she was.
Well, we are praising God for keeping us safe, but as I stated a few paragraphs above, we are a family of 4 on 1 not-so-large income, and now we have to fork out money to fix our van. Insurance is covering most of the damage, but we still have quite large deductible to pay. Thankfully, a year ago we got out of debt and have our 3-6 months worth of income in savings, so this does not feel like such a financial emergency. Still, it's frustrating... but we are trusting God, once again, to provide exactly what we need. We are so thankful that the van wasn't totaled.
So anyway... I know this is long. That's what happens when I take a break from blogging, I guess. :) God has been good and gracious to us, as He always is, and He is teaching me new things every day. That in itself is grace-- that He continues to teach me when I continually don't get it!
Psalm 9:9-11
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
11 Sing the praises of the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
proclaim among the nations what he has done.
Trust lesson #1: Cameron did not get the job we were hoping for. Because I am a stay-at-home mom, our family relies on his income. He is an incredibly hard worker, very talented at what he does, willing and able to learn anything he does not know already, etc., and yet he still cannot get hired into a higher position. He has had multiple interviews and was called back to a 2nd interview this last time. Every time they say he had an excellent interview, that it came down to him and one or two other people, but they decided to choose the one who has had more experience. Ok, I get that... but we're just ready for someone out there to give him a chance, you know? He would be excellent at whatever he is asked to do.
Anyway, lots of lessons tied up under this one really: a) Trusting God with our finances-- knowing that He will (and already continually does) provide for our family. Somehow, we always wind up with extra money to put into savings at the end of each month. Praise God! b) Trusting God with our future-- we want to be up closer to family, and we still feel that God is pulling us in that direction, but we have to let go and know that His timing is absolutely perfect.
Big lesson #2 on trust: Our car accident. Wow. God was definitely good to us.
It had started snowing quite steadily on Sunday. Cameron got off work early, and we decided to head on up to my mom and dad's for the night. The roads were not terrible, and we are used to driving in snow, but we ended up having to take a detour on some country roads. We were coming up on a stop sign, and all I know is I saw it coming... and coming... and we were not slowing down. Cameron said, "Hold on," and all I could think about in that split second were my babies in the back. We went down into a ditch and up into a bank on the other side of the ditch. I began freaking out but not for myself... you momma's out there know exactly where your head and heart would be-- it was only a matter of seconds and I was back hugging and kissing on my crying babies. Oh my... I have never felt so much love for them than in that moment. We prayed immediately after, thanking God for keeping us safe. While Cameron was assessing the damage and making phone calls, I was keeping Jenna and Josiah company. I hugged Jenna and told her I was so glad God had kept all of us safe. She said, "He was holding the car in His hands." How right she was.
Well, we are praising God for keeping us safe, but as I stated a few paragraphs above, we are a family of 4 on 1 not-so-large income, and now we have to fork out money to fix our van. Insurance is covering most of the damage, but we still have quite large deductible to pay. Thankfully, a year ago we got out of debt and have our 3-6 months worth of income in savings, so this does not feel like such a financial emergency. Still, it's frustrating... but we are trusting God, once again, to provide exactly what we need. We are so thankful that the van wasn't totaled.
So anyway... I know this is long. That's what happens when I take a break from blogging, I guess. :) God has been good and gracious to us, as He always is, and He is teaching me new things every day. That in itself is grace-- that He continues to teach me when I continually don't get it!
Psalm 9:9-11
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
10 Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
11 Sing the praises of the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
proclaim among the nations what he has done.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Grandma's Sweet Potatoes
Here is a family recipe for a sweet potato casserole. This is much better than those recipes with marshmallows on top (in my family's opinion and those who have been brave enough to venture away from the marsmallows!) :)
Ingredients
1 large can yams (2lbs)
1 stick of butter
Flour
Brown sugar
Directions
Heat oven to 350*
Melt butter in oven in 9x9 baking dish. Meanwhile, drain yams but SAVE THE JUICE.
Place flour in large ziploc or bowl and coat yams. When butter is completely melted, roll coated yams in butter and arrange in dish. Pour saved juice over top and sprinkle with as much brown sugar as you like! Bake until thick and bubbly. (Usually about an hour-- sometimes a little longer).
There you have it! The best sweet potatoes ever!
Check out Sandra's page for more yummy recipes!
Ingredients
1 large can yams (2lbs)
1 stick of butter
Flour
Brown sugar
Directions
Heat oven to 350*
Melt butter in oven in 9x9 baking dish. Meanwhile, drain yams but SAVE THE JUICE.
Place flour in large ziploc or bowl and coat yams. When butter is completely melted, roll coated yams in butter and arrange in dish. Pour saved juice over top and sprinkle with as much brown sugar as you like! Bake until thick and bubbly. (Usually about an hour-- sometimes a little longer).
There you have it! The best sweet potatoes ever!
Check out Sandra's page for more yummy recipes!
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